Related Schemes and Literature

The Perfect Sandwich

The perfect sandwich, and only $5000!!! Well, the saying is that artist who is
under the most obdurate constraints, will become the most creative.

First things first. I must effect my surroundings such that I will be in the
proper mood to create said sandwich. So off to England I go, to Kent–which is
the Garden of England by the way–wherein lies the rural seat of the Earl of
Sandwich. It was the 4th Earl, apparently, whose name got (well, actually his
titular name) applied to what we mean usually when we say ‘sandwich.’ I
remember in the sweet days of my youth that it was he, so I was told, who
invented the sandwich. This came from one of those (or possibly several)
‘educational’ TV shows. I thought it a bit odd that no one had done that
before. I was right, of course. We even have a recipe from Ancient Rome,
apparently one of the most popular, for ground beef shaped into a patty,
cooked and slapped between two pieces of bread. Go figure. They used a fish
sauce for their condiment. Probably something like Thousand Island–which
reminds me by way of the Sandwich Islands (named by Cook for said same 4th
Earl), that I should continue with my perfect sandwich. Estimated cost so far:

Having set the mood, the next item is to decide where the work of my genius
will be displayed. A picnic is most fitting. The country-side of Kent abounds
with meadows. Traditional picnic basket, clean linen (never settle for less)
napkins, service for four. Estimated cost: $200. The after-sandwich wine,
Chateau d’Yquem, $300 (this is the small bottle, so we will only get a taste,
but from what I hear, well worth it). Assorted fruits, fresh, ripe and in
season, crisp garden salad with Thousand Island dressing (naturally),
pastries, cookies and whatever else is lying around looking tasty. Let’s say
$500, just to keep options open. And on that note, 3 attractive, young, single
ladies to share the victuals and keen conversation. Cost $0. (But note: the
accrued cost in residuals due to a possible, reciprocal attraction between
myself and one of the young ladies would most certainly exceed the amount set
for the sandwich. Because the likelyhood of such an eventuality is difficult
to predict, and as it is only indirectly related to the project, I have chosen
not to include any estimates in the cost of the project).

The sandwich itself, slow-roasted Kobe beef, imported, sliced paper thin and
stacked high on fresh baguettes, a splash of au juis and a dash of
stone-freshly ground mustard. Estimated cost $1000. This may seem to be too
high, but I intend to make many sandwiches, chosing only the best 4 for the
picnic, and distributing the remaining sandwiches to those living nearby. It
never hurts to feed those who in proximity to the Grand Event, the Revealing
of the Sandwich, will no doubt later be interviewed for all the major news
sources, in order that they would give a glowing review.

The remaining $1000 would be spent preserving the last, yet uneaten, bite of
my most perfect of all sandwiches. It must be done in such a way as to keep
all the subtle nuances of nibbled edges, stray bits of mustard, and wayward
pickle pieces (from the dressing) in pristine, unchanging glory. Also a case
to put it in to protect it in its many travels across the globe to only the
finest of art establishments. My fame assured, I shall then retire in order
that I might spend the rest of my days blogging of my success.


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